Thursday, February 24, 2011

Am I Allowed To Be Tired?

I am not a mother.  I do not own a house.  I have fish but no pet that demands to be walked or requires a lot of attention.  I have a husband who does *help* around the house.  And yet there are times, like now, when I am tired.  Exhausted.  Amazed I am still functioning.  But it makes me feel guilty, or ashamed.

Why should I get to be tired?  I have it relatively easy.  I can go to sleep when I want and wake up when I want (although work kinda dictates when I wake up).  If I want to take a nap, I can.  I don't have someone or someones demanding my attention.  I only have to cook food for two people.  I also work with people who at times can have very difficult and demanding lives.  In comparison, I have it easy.

It goes back to something I've thought before: no matter how happy you are, someone else is happier, and no matter how bad things are, someone else has it worse.  (There was a girl I knew when I was younger ... let's call her N.  She was always trying to 'up' other people.  No matter how good a day you had, she had a better one.  No matter how bad things were, it was worse for her.  I only beat her once.  She said she had one tooth pulled and I'd had four teeth pulled.  She then turned to me and said "Sara, it's not a contest."  Oh irony. Anyway, back to my blog...)  Does that mean we aren't allowed to feel what we are feeling?

I am still allowed to be tired.  I am still allowed to feel what I feel.  Even if my "bad" could not in any way compare with your "bad," does that make it "less" bad?  I say no.

And yet ... there are days when I still feel guilty.  There are days when I feel as though I shouldn't be allowed to be bad.  People tell me "it will be worse when you have kids."  Maybe so.  That doesn't mean I am not tired.


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